Sooooooo much pain, so much suffering, yet so much growth, and so much healing, and so so so much improvement, and maybe….just maybe, a little happiness.
I started the year struggling to feel any motivation for life, basically dropping out to school and only showing up for exams, which led to me getting a 2.8 GPA winter semester. I struggled with deciding how to rectify the situation, and eventually decided I would transfer to Temple University… so the waiting and worry began:
did I struggle.
My journal entries (YUP THATS RIGHT) from the first 5 months of 2009 are heartbreaking to read, especially when I consider the context they were written in.
Feb 2009 “i am destroying everything that i ever wanted, and i cannot stop”
later that month i eventually decided i couldnt handle it alone and needed professional help…which i never got. and things just SPUN right out of control from there
by the end of March i hadnt been to a single class in months. at which point i wrote”im fallllling and i cannt pick up the pieces fast enough any more”
by april the tiniest things became the biggest victories for me: for example i got out of bed and went to a make up lab that is the ONLY reason i passed chemistry, and you cannot possibly understand how hard that was for me to do.
then some how things turned for the better. i went on a trip to california in april which started rough but some how forced me to pretend i was ok, and then i just kept on pretending. i got my shit together and i studied for exams and somehow ended up with a 2.9 after alll the fucked up shit i was doing with my life. i got into temple, i found a home. and so now all i had to do was wait for my new life to begin.
in may i moved back home and struggled a bit with leaving my whole life in montreal, but i think i knew it was for the better.
the summer was the best of my life, i made some amazing new friends and i lost 30 pounds that i had gained for my really really really bad struggle in the winter, i had some tough days for sure but i got up and went to work every day and i slept most days. these normal human functions had become true victories.
i felt worthy of something good for the first time in a long time, i was happy, i felt PRETTY, and i didnt even want to leave for school because i was so affraid of the whole thing happening again
but fall came around and i started at temple, i did all of my homework, and i lived like a NORMAL person, i didnt skip crazy amounts of classes, and i didnt stay in my bed for weeks at a time. and i remember thinking to myself “im doing this, im really fucking doing this, maybe i CAN function” and some how the maybes turned into yeses and here i am december 2009 with a fucking 3.8 GPA.
the ultimate turn around from a 2.8 to a 3.8….i couldnt be more proud of myself, honestly.
sure there were some bumps along the way, and i struggled with my eating disorder more and more as the year went on but i think it happens with me every winter, but some how this past semester i proved to myself that I CAN DO THIS. i can be normal, and maybe some day i can be happy. so i think 2010 can only get better. but i will post about what the future holds for me on a different day.
either way, the complete 180 my life has made in 2009 couldnt make me any happier, and i have to fight back tears when i think about the crazy roller coaster ride it has been.
i had no idea things could get so fucking bad soooo fucking fast
and i really had no idea how much better they could be.
"live through this and you wont look back" thats how i feel, i mean i have fucking survived something i think most people could not in any way understand, it was the most intense battle of inner demons and i am just so happy to have made it out ALIVE. forget everything else, i just think its a miracle for me to be living right now.
"I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." this quote means the world to me lately, because thats exactly what i did, and it couldnt be any more true.
I’m in a bad mood tonight. I’m sick of this self-hate ordeal. I don’t like the fact that I cant look into a mirror without feeling down afterwards. And I don’t like the fact that I hate when someone takes my picture unless I know I’m going to be the one in control of who sees the pictures or not. I really can’t stand myself and I hate this battle.
Oh Parker I know how you feel :( I’ve been trying everyyything to win this thing. I stopped talking to everyone on twitter, I buy only healthy foods, I avoid looking in the mirror at all costs. But its all still there. My brain is plagued. It might take us the rest of our lives, but you can get through this. So can I. I know it. It just doesn’t seem like it right now. My best thoughts sent your way <3
ugh…….im starting to think it never goes away.
i cant stand my FUCKING thighs this week, like to the point that i can FEEL how fat they are, it like is somehow burning through my pants, and everyones laughing.